Thursday, December 30, 2010

stream of unconsciousness

it'll work
it's not gonna work
this could be great
this is gonna hurt
it'll be okay
it's not gonna work
i don't know what will happen
i don't know what will happen
it could be good
it could go bad
it could be horrible
it could be disasterous

it'll be all right.
it will be right.

10 more days
10 more fucking days
i wish it could be 100 more days
or 100 days into the future

i feel every second
every heartbeat is one i'll never get back
how many more do i have left?

flying through space on a rock
who knows how fast?
each second
each moment that passes
feels lightyears away
so far apart
relative to my p.o.v.
i'm zoomed in so close
so focused on each second
trying to hold onto each one
but they are ripped from me
too fast
too fucking fast

if i take a step back

10 more days
9 more days
8 more
fuck i can't stand it.
so soon.
a little more than a week left here.

will i go through with it?
i have to
i HAVE to
i don't have to.
i'm too fucking proud to take it back
i can't take it back
yes i can take it back
i haven't left yet

my word
i gave them my word
what good is my word then

i'm going
i'm going
i told myself i'm going
i told everyone i'm going
i want to uphold my WORD
let it have some meaning
i'm afraid my words will kill me . . .

i'm afraid of death now

physical death
spiritual death
mental death

all of this:
the relationships
the people i love
the family i let down
the friends i abandoned

going to maui

fuck i'm being selfish
and proud
too goddamned proud.
so i hurt myself
and it will hurt others

this is too fucked up
where are the happy notes? huh?

this could work out
i could learn something
something i can't find here
i can find it here
maybe not
i don't want to look here
it hurts

but the people i love
and care about
they're here too

fuck it

i dont want to leave them
i'm going to leave them

i think i'll come back
i have to

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

omw2maui? update dec 8

things aren't looking so bright.

looks like i won't find out if i get financial aid until AFTER the semester starts - if i get it at all.

fucked up both my music finals… precalc exam too.
still got the final for precalc next week monday, and my hwst exam and essay are due by next friday.
probably getting a D in math, so acing the final would probably bring me up to a C.

same with hwst, except acing the final might give me a D. i need to do extra credit, if she still accepts it.

probably getting a C or D in my music classes.

i need a 2.0 to keep my financial aid… or i have to pay back $2700… maybe more.
i don't want to do that. i really don't want it to come to that.

i really want this to work.

remind me to mention the van next time.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

omw2maui update dec 6

soooo cold up in here. i just want to sleep all day.

and that's what i did today, unintetionally… or subconsciously? i got home at 4, knocked out, and woke up at 10. that's a first for me. still cold as hell.


interesting read. i was led to this article by looking up "vision quests"

which led to "walkabouts"

and then this article.

from wikipedia
Songlines, also called Dreaming tracks by Indigenous Australians within the animist indigenous belief system, are paths across the land (or, sometimes the sky[1]) which mark the route followed by localised 'creator-beings' during the Dreaming. The paths of the songlines are recorded in traditional songs, stories, dance, and painting.
A knowledgeable person is able to navigate across the land by repeating the words of the song, which describe the location of landmarks, waterholes, and other natural phenomena. In some cases, the path of the creator-beings are said to be evident from their marks, or petrosomatoglyphs, on the land, such as large depressions in the land which are said to be their footprints.
By singing the songs in the appropriate sequence, Indigenous people could navigate vast distances, often travelling through the deserts of Australia's interior. The continent of Australia contains an extensive system of songlines, some of which are of a few kilometres, whilst others traverse hundreds of kilometres through lands of many different Indigenous peoples — peoples who may speak markedly different languages and champion significantly different cultural traditions.
Since a songline can span the lands of several different language groups, different parts of the song are said to be in those different languages. Languages are not a barieer because the melodic contour of the song describes the nature of the land over which the song passes. The rhythm is what is really important or limiting to understanding the song. This means that listening to the song of the land is the same as walking on this songline and observing the land.
In some cases, a songline has a particular direction, and walking the wrong way along a songline may be sacrilegious act (e.g. climbing up Uluru where the correct direction is down). Traditional Aboriginal people regard all land as sacred, and the songs must be continually sung to keep the land "alive".

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


yeah forgot to mention i saw sublime with rome back in november… remind me to tell you about it later. cool story bro.

shook rome's hand.

best concert i've ever been to. don't know how i will top this one.

omw2maui update dec 1

welcome december!
the rains are here. it's pouring in palisades again.

yesterday i talked to the Kulanaao people about the campus apartments. turns out no bed spaces are available right now, but will be available in FEBRUARY.

semester starts JAN 10.

so i'm gonna try staying at a hostel for as long as i can afford it. it's about the same price… ~$500/month.
i found this place called Northshore Hostel. they have some good reviews.


i could buy a car and live in it for a few months. truck, preferably. then i gotta find a place to shower.

or… live in a tent.



no word from financial aid yet. come on peeps. send me that check.