stream of unconsciousness

it'll work
it's not gonna work
this could be great
this is gonna hurt
it'll be okay
fuck
it's not gonna work
i don't know what will happen
i don't know what will happen
it could be good
it could go bad
it could be horrible
it could be disasterous

it'll be all right.
it will be right.

10 more days
10 more fucking days
i wish it could be 100 more days
or 100 days into the future

i feel every second
every heartbeat is one i'll never get back
how many more do i have left?

flying through space on a rock
who knows how fast?
each second
each moment that passes
feels lightyears away
so far apart
relative to my p.o.v.
i'm zoomed in so close
so focused on each second
trying to hold onto each one
but they are ripped from me
too fast
too fucking fast

if i take a step back

10 more days
9 more days
8 more
7
fuck i can't stand it.
so soon.
a little more than a week left here.

will i go through with it?
i have to
i HAVE to
i don't have to.
fuck
i'm too fucking proud to take it back
i can't take it back
yes i can take it back
i haven't left yet

my word
i gave them my word
what good is my word then

i'm going
i'm going
i told myself i'm going
i told everyone i'm going
i want to uphold my WORD
let it have some meaning
but
i'm afraid my words will kill me . . .



i'm afraid of death now
again
still

physical death
spiritual death
mental death

i
am
killing
...
this
all of this:
the relationships
the people i love
the family i let down
the friends i abandoned

abandonment
going to maui

fuck i'm being selfish
and proud
too goddamned proud.
so i hurt myself
and it will hurt others

damn
this is too fucked up
where are the happy notes? huh?

this could work out
i could learn something
something i can't find here
-no
i can find it here
maybe not
i don't want to look here
it hurts

but the people i love
and care about
they're here too

fuck it
arggjhgdgfdhfjb

i dont want to leave them
i'm going to leave them

i think i'll come back
i have to

omw2maui? update dec 8

things aren't looking so bright.

…

looks like i won't find out if i get financial aid until AFTER the semester starts - if i get it at all.

fucked up both my music finals… precalc exam too.
still got the final for precalc next week monday, and my hwst exam and essay are due by next friday.
probably getting a D in math, so acing the final would probably bring me up to a C.

same with hwst, except acing the final might give me a D. i need to do extra credit, if she still accepts it.

probably getting a C or D in my music classes.

i need a 2.0 to keep my financial aid… or i have to pay back $2700… maybe more.
i don't want to do that. i really don't want it to come to that.


i really want this to work.

remind me to mention the van next time.

omw2maui update dec 6

soooo cold up in here. i just want to sleep all day.

and that's what i did today, unintetionally… or subconsciously? i got home at 4, knocked out, and woke up at 10. that's a first for me. still cold as hell.

Songlines

interesting read. i was led to this article by looking up "vision quests"

which led to "walkabouts"

and then this article.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Songlines

from wikipedia

Songlines, also called Dreaming tracks by Indigenous Australians within the animist indigenous belief system, are paths across the land (or, sometimes the sky[1]) which mark the route followed by localised 'creator-beings' during the Dreaming. The paths of the songlines are recorded in traditional songs, stories, dance, and painting.
A knowledgeable person is able to navigate across the land by repeating the words of the song, which describe the location of landmarks, waterholes, and other natural phenomena. In some cases, the path of the creator-beings are said to be evident from their marks, or petrosomatoglyphs, on the land, such as large depressions in the land which are said to be their footprints.
By singing the songs in the appropriate sequence, Indigenous people could navigate vast distances, often travelling through the deserts of Australia's interior. The continent of Australia contains an extensive system of songlines, some of which are of a few kilometres, whilst others traverse hundreds of kilometres through lands of many different Indigenous peoples — peoples who may speak markedly different languages and champion significantly different cultural traditions.
Since a songline can span the lands of several different language groups, different parts of the song are said to be in those different languages. Languages are not a barieer because the melodic contour of the song describes the nature of the land over which the song passes. The rhythm is what is really important or limiting to understanding the song. This means that listening to the song of the land is the same as walking on this songline and observing the land.
In some cases, a songline has a particular direction, and walking the wrong way along a songline may be sacrilegious act (e.g. climbing up Uluru where the correct direction is down). Traditional Aboriginal people regard all land as sacred, and the songs must be continually sung to keep the land "alive".

SUBLIME

yeah forgot to mention i saw sublime with rome back in november… remind me to tell you about it later. cool story bro.

shook rome's hand.

best concert i've ever been to. don't know how i will top this one.

omw2maui update dec 1

welcome december!
the rains are here. it's pouring in palisades again.

yesterday i talked to the Kulanaao people about the campus apartments. turns out no bed spaces are available right now, but will be available in FEBRUARY.

FEBRUARY.
semester starts JAN 10.

so i'm gonna try staying at a hostel for as long as i can afford it. it's about the same price… ~$500/month.
i found this place called Northshore Hostel. they have some good reviews.

~OR~

i could buy a car and live in it for a few months. truck, preferably. then i gotta find a place to shower.

or… live in a tent.

….uh

----

no word from financial aid yet. come on peeps. send me that check.

Earthquake

The sofa shook for a few seconds. i thought it was an earthquake so I asked Cassie if she felt it. She didn't so i thought it was a demon. Turns out it was an earthquake. House is still demon-free as far as I know.

Yesterday I was looking up the Pacific Ring of Fire… don't remember why I thought I should, but I did.




We can see the future.

Here comes the night

I heard this song in the the movie Together (2000), or in Swedish: Tillsammans

Didn't finish it yet, but this song played at a scene where a woman is explaining to her lover that her sexual relationship with another man is purely physical, and how she orgasmed for the first time. Her lover says he's happy for her, then runs to the toilet to puke. Then this song plays.

So I paused the movie and looked up the soundtrack, found the song by trial and error, then translated the lyrics from Swedish to English. God I love Google Translate.



Här kommer natten - Pugh Rogerfeldt



Här kommer natten
kall och underbart lång
här kommer mörkret
dape - dape -dape - da - da -da
När alla sover djupt av dagens förvärv
då kommer natten
dape - dape -dape - da - da -da
När du kommer
ska jag sitta här och ta allt som du ger mej
och när du går
vet jag att du snart är här igen
Se staden lyser
i alla regnbågens färger
se staden lyser
dape - dape -dape - da - da -da
Se alla männskor
som gråter skrattar och lider
här kommer natten
dape - dape -dape - da - da -da
När du kommer
ska jag sitta här och ta allt som du ger mej
och när du går
vet jag att du snart är här igen
Doda dej da di da dej .......... osv
Du är min natten
(Bella notte)


Here comes the night
cold and wonderfully long
here comes the darkness
dape - dape-dape - da - da-da
When everyone is fast asleep by today's acquisition
then comes the night
dape - dape-dape - da - da-da
When you arrive
I'll sit here and take everything you give me
and when you go
I know that you will soon be here again
See the city lights
in a rainbow of colors
see the city lights
dape - dape-dape - da - da-da
See all mankind
who cries laughs and suffers
here comes the night
dape - dape-dape - da - da-da
When you arrive
I'll sit here and take everything you give me
and when you go
I know that you will soon be here again
Doda you da di da you .......... etc.
You are my night
(Bella notte)

OMFG SUBLIME

I pushed/moshed/squeezed/inhaled/fought my way to through the crowd of THOUSANDS. got to the FRONT AND CENTER.

FRONT AND CENTER!

arms over the fence, 10 feet from the stage, directly under the full moon.

shook Rome's hand after Badfish.



Tonight was SUBLIMEEEEEE!


video and more details coming soon.
first, i must shower and recover.

---

there was a girl next to me who danced and sang every line, passed me the joint, had a blast. so much energy! i was in love. and now...

maui update

so i'm planning on arriving before the new year, after christmas sometime. maybe a wednesday.

i've changed my home campus, registered for a few classes…
there's a beekeeping class there. hmm….

in the process of sending my financial aid info over and then praying, a lot.






so after riding my bmx in the rain today, i decided i'm bringing my fixed gear. don't want to deal with wet brakes again … it's been so long since i've experienced that on my mountain bike… scary shit mon.

right now it's storming up in palisades. thunderrrrr.
THE SKY IS OPENING UP

i was also thinking about bringing my electric guitar to maui, but too much to carry if i;m gonna be hopping around the place. for the first few weeks i was thinking about staying at a hostel until i find a job and a cheaper place to stay. woo!

i have to make friends and get a job… or perish.
i don't have to make friends, but… it would be nice.

i don't have to go to maui, but… this will change things. hardcore.
it will be nice. it's gonna be rough. i'm gonna push myself to survive.

moving on

fuck.

so much has happened in these past few months. i'll fill everyone in soon.


topics i need to cover:

(in no particular order)
near-death experiences
sandy's adventure
halloween adventure
turd burglars
black moth super rainbow
ghosts
sleepwalking
maui dreams
dreams
underwater friends
enlightenment


and much more… damn that sounds cheesy as hell.


i'm gonna revamp this blog and start using this more often… promise.




new plan: moving to maui for the new year.
reason: don't quite know for sure yet.

hopefully i can find a place with some internet so i can keep everyone up to date.

honestly… i can suport myself financially for about 2 or 3 months. so, i have to find a job as soon as i land in maui or i will die. not really die, but be homeless, maybe miserable, but i'd rather go through that than regret not going anywhere.

I MUST PASS ALL MY CLASSES
or no part of this plan will come to being.

I had a dream...

Cookies
To dream that you are eating, giving, receiving, or stealing cookies, signify that you will let trivial problems and minor disputes annoy you.

Choking
Choking dreams are often a fearful experience and it is not uncommon for dreamers to awaken from them. To dream that you are choking on an object, suggests that you may find some advice/remarks/situation hard to swallow or difficult to accept. Alternatively, you may feel that you are unable to completely express yourself in a situation. In particular, if you are choking on food, then it may be an expression of self-guilt and unnurtured feelings. If you are choking on smoke, then it indicates something you are unwilling to confront.

from dreammoods.com

The Car is Dead

I was 2 minutes away from home. It was 12 in the morning, raining, and I was going... too fast... down my favorite hill, made the hairpin turn without braking, fishtailed, and hit a pole pretty fucking hard.

I walked away from that incident without a scratch. Killed the car though.

I WAS SOBER.
imagine if i wasn't... would i be dead? would i have not been driving so fast?

i'll elaborate on the whole story if anyone asks. honestly, i'm too sad right now to type it all out here... i'm not even sure anyone reads my posts.

too much on my mind. i had plans. i can't sleep, and when i do i sleep all day. but that's what i did before the crash too...

There's a reason why i'm still alive.
I think a higher power may be trying to tell me something.
OR...
I could be dead right now, and not even know that I'm a ghost.

How do ghosts know they're dead anyway? I need to know. I could be haunting people without even knowing it.

say goodbye to Vesper Lynd

This is what I do instead of studying for finals. Is it worth it? Dunno yet. I still got 3 more finals to go.



I made this song using Garageband, played around with the effects and found these reverb and echo effects that reminded me of being on a boat or swimming underwater and stuff.

So I went on Youtube and started looking up movie clips of drowning scenes. (Is that normal?) Then I remembered this scene from Casino Royale, and watched that clip with my song playing in another window. It synchronized so well with the scene that I downloaded it to .mp4 or .mov (I forget which one). I didn't even have to edit the clip or anything.


This scene from Rushmore also came to mind. I think it's my favorite part in the whole movie... but I need to watch it again.
By the way, The Kinks are awesome.



I'm playing both videos at the same time, but with this one on mute, trying to synchronize the music with the scene.

Give your love to the DJ

Last Friday I went to Aloha Bash at UH.

I could have done better, sigh...

I usually get to the front of the crowd at shows, and dance my ass off, but the crowd there was huge; it filled the lawn at Andrew's Ampitheater by the time Tribal Seeds was on.

I was there to see Go Jimmy Go, and maybe a little bit of Pepper.

Pepper's style has been straying away from ska lately, making it harder for me to dance because . . . I can't, haha. I skank, I mosh, maybe I'll crowd-surf one day, but I don't dance.

BUT, Go Jimmy Go was awesome, as usual. They played Monkeyman and Message to Rudy, which surprised me. I just wish those hippies SITTING in front of the stage would have got up and danced.

I will see Go Jimmy Go again sometime this summer, hopefully.

This whole week has been . . . overall, a little disappointing, for a bunch of reasons I won't go into detail yet. Can't say I didn't try.

So, here's a little something to listen to. It's a song called "Love 2 the DJ" by Sabotage Soundsystem, which Kaleo Wassman (from Pepper) is half of. This is off of their first album called The Boto Machine Gun. Brilliant.

spin me your love, always. please, girl.

eyes to the stage, she's got the meanest body.

back in the booth, they don't notice me.

needles in the groove cuz I don't use CDs.

everywhere, girls with no interest in me.

. . .

give your love to the deejay, girl.

My SoundCloud Profile

Wow! It has been a while since I've updated this blog. So much has happened over these past few months. . . new school, old bike, new bike, more music . . .

Anyway, moving on.

Lately, I've been using GarageBand to write/compose/make my own songs. Just a couple weeks ago, I figured out how to add drum loops to my mixes. Making music has never been the same since. No more video recording snippets of ideas and chord progressions on Facebook.

So, to get my songs online, I tried uploading a couple to YouTube.

This one, I call Honey Bunny. It took all night for me to put this together.

After doing that, I decided I don't really want to go through all that trouble making a video if I just want people to hear my song. So, I found this amazing site called SoundCloud.

You can upload your own mp3s and share them with, well, everyone. It's awesome, and sooo easy to use.

I've made 3 songs this spring break, and they're on my profile at SoundCloud.