stream of unconsciousness

it'll work
it's not gonna work
this could be great
this is gonna hurt
it'll be okay
fuck
it's not gonna work
i don't know what will happen
i don't know what will happen
it could be good
it could go bad
it could be horrible
it could be disasterous

it'll be all right.
it will be right.

10 more days
10 more fucking days
i wish it could be 100 more days
or 100 days into the future

i feel every second
every heartbeat is one i'll never get back
how many more do i have left?

flying through space on a rock
who knows how fast?
each second
each moment that passes
feels lightyears away
so far apart
relative to my p.o.v.
i'm zoomed in so close
so focused on each second
trying to hold onto each one
but they are ripped from me
too fast
too fucking fast

if i take a step back

10 more days
9 more days
8 more
7
fuck i can't stand it.
so soon.
a little more than a week left here.

will i go through with it?
i have to
i HAVE to
i don't have to.
fuck
i'm too fucking proud to take it back
i can't take it back
yes i can take it back
i haven't left yet

my word
i gave them my word
what good is my word then

i'm going
i'm going
i told myself i'm going
i told everyone i'm going
i want to uphold my WORD
let it have some meaning
but
i'm afraid my words will kill me . . .



i'm afraid of death now
again
still

physical death
spiritual death
mental death

i
am
killing
...
this
all of this:
the relationships
the people i love
the family i let down
the friends i abandoned

abandonment
going to maui

fuck i'm being selfish
and proud
too goddamned proud.
so i hurt myself
and it will hurt others

damn
this is too fucked up
where are the happy notes? huh?

this could work out
i could learn something
something i can't find here
-no
i can find it here
maybe not
i don't want to look here
it hurts

but the people i love
and care about
they're here too

fuck it
arggjhgdgfdhfjb

i dont want to leave them
i'm going to leave them

i think i'll come back
i have to