hello cowgirl in the sand

bed bugs and garage sales

night hags vs bed bugs

i'd rather get sleep paralyzed and visited by rapist demon chicks, than eaten alive every night by sneaky fuckin blood suckers.
verdade.

~~~~~

flat tires and sweet deals

got home from the beach after cutting both my feet again, and checked craigslist's garage sales in the area. I found a place up the road giving away free stuff from 2 to 4. it was 3 so i hurried out of the house with a flat tire, biked around looking for the place for about 20 minutes. i found the place and ended up walking away with literally a truckload of stuff for $10.

thanks and praises to alan and pomaikai and their families!

Rock and Roll Suicide

you take a cigarette, put it in your mouth, and feel your fingers risking another cigarette. you don't eat, don't hunger, this is true. oh oh oh you're a rock and roll suicide.

you're old but alive, and too young to die. and how long are you running in the city, the flame burning with nostalgia. oh oh oh you're a rock and roll suicide.

are you afraid of the advancing signs? don't you realize the sun is rising? while you hide in your home, you will not see that what matters is you're not alone.

h no! you're not alone! i won't leave you, even if you wanted me to. look at me, the sun will set, and another time i'll be near you. oh my love, you're not alone. i am here to protect you. let's live our lives for our own good. only us two, no one else matters.

oh my love, the heart is a departing train! the train of the heart is already leaving!! wooOOooOOoo wonderful, give me your hands!!!

I must run, I must move

what came first?
the frantics or the zombies?

i see a future here

i see a future here

i could live happy
i could die happy

when
i don't want to know
not that i'll ignore it
but
i'll accept it as it comes

Let her sleep

This is not a video game

This is not a video game,
it's not a movie,
not a television show,
a cartoon,
a sitcom…

we're not separated by a glass
we're not projections on a screen

there are no cameras trying to capture the moment
this is REAL life
happening NOW
but only if you live it
live now, in the moment
in the present
not in the past
not tomorrow
live today
and finish it
and start again
and finish it
and start again
and repeat for as long as you can stand it


i don't want to watch someone else's life
i don't want to watch my life go by
i want to live my life
not yours
not theirs
-mine

and i'd give up all these simulated realities
to feel and experience
the truth
i want to see it with my own eyes before i go blind
i want to hear it with my own ears before i go deaf
i want to feel it with my own soul before …

...before whatever happens to souls, happens.

Til the End of the Day

remind me about Hana




Baby, I feel good
From the moment I rise
Feel good from morning
Till the end of the day
Till the end of the day

Yeah, you and me
We live this life
From when we get up
Till we go sleep at night

You and me, we're free
We do as we please, yeah
From morning till
The end of the day
Till the end of the day

Yeah, I get up
And I see the sun up
And I feel good, yeah
Cause my life has begun

You and me, we're free
We do as we please, yeah
From morning till
The end of the day

Till the end of the day
Till the end of the day
Till the end of the day

You and me, we're free
We do as we please, yeah
From morning till
The end of the day

Till the end of the day
Till the end of the day
Till the end of the day
Till the end of the day
Till the end of the day

Homesickless

i havent felt homesick yet, but one day this place will get old and i'll visit my old home to find everything changed, and i'll trip out on that, learn something from it, then say fffuck it i'm outta here, and i'll find a new place to go. explore a bit, adventure here and there. settle down for a while, but one day that place will get old and i'll be on the road again and again. this is the rest of my life.

PEACE

i found peace lying in the back of a pick-up truck.

SOJA

it's been about two weeks here in maui - the beautiful island of maui. fuckin… everything here, so beautifull hahahahh

the mountains
the ocean
the people here
the spirit - the aura
there's something inthe water here that..

i dunno, people just enjoy themselves here
severely
immensely

i love it here
i want to stay as long as i can

but i know things are about to get rough
in a good way

i need that stress
i'm already feeling it

school is killer.
the money is runnin'

3 more weeks til i get financial aid from the school
the government
that pell grant is the government's inverstment into my future
they're hoping i'll pay them back someday by getting a job
that's what this is all about.
but i can get a job without a college education
i jusssst have to try - no - i have to do it.

now
aaright now


i heard that maui is "the most depressed island in the state"
(economically)
(maybe in other ways too)

but if i can find happiness here…
which i have…

a wise man once told we that
life goes liek this (in waves)

waves

imagnine the entirety of human exiistence as the OCEAN , and every life is a WAVE
not even just humans, the entire everthing…
ripples in an pond, waves in an ocean

all thishappiness, all this love that i've found…
look at it.
it's about to pass.


i can hear the ocean from here
the waves breaking on the shore
like a life ending - the last and final roar of a relatively minor existence
----


SOJA concert tomoorw
fuckin psyched

but i think i pregamed it too early hahahahahaaa
i'm all outs of beers

ahhhhh i love shoppping for beer

The Planet Smashers - Life of the Party

SITTING IN MY KITCHEN!

i love aeroplanes

Rosa Passos Solo "Jardim". Madrid 2005.

First Friday with Rory

Air Mattress

Jailhouse gets empty

MAUI BOUND

YEAH!

i'm doing it.

bags packed, ready to go.

flight in 4 hours.

SUPA excited.

beach house, oh yeah.

i need to get some rest before my flight, so i'll finish this later



got no rest, plane ride was awesome, i'm gonna make another post all about it soon

stream of unconsciousness

it'll work
it's not gonna work
this could be great
this is gonna hurt
it'll be okay
fuck
it's not gonna work
i don't know what will happen
i don't know what will happen
it could be good
it could go bad
it could be horrible
it could be disasterous

it'll be all right.
it will be right.

10 more days
10 more fucking days
i wish it could be 100 more days
or 100 days into the future

i feel every second
every heartbeat is one i'll never get back
how many more do i have left?

flying through space on a rock
who knows how fast?
each second
each moment that passes
feels lightyears away
so far apart
relative to my p.o.v.
i'm zoomed in so close
so focused on each second
trying to hold onto each one
but they are ripped from me
too fast
too fucking fast

if i take a step back

10 more days
9 more days
8 more
7
fuck i can't stand it.
so soon.
a little more than a week left here.

will i go through with it?
i have to
i HAVE to
i don't have to.
fuck
i'm too fucking proud to take it back
i can't take it back
yes i can take it back
i haven't left yet

my word
i gave them my word
what good is my word then

i'm going
i'm going
i told myself i'm going
i told everyone i'm going
i want to uphold my WORD
let it have some meaning
but
i'm afraid my words will kill me . . .



i'm afraid of death now
again
still

physical death
spiritual death
mental death

i
am
killing
...
this
all of this:
the relationships
the people i love
the family i let down
the friends i abandoned

abandonment
going to maui

fuck i'm being selfish
and proud
too goddamned proud.
so i hurt myself
and it will hurt others

damn
this is too fucked up
where are the happy notes? huh?

this could work out
i could learn something
something i can't find here
-no
i can find it here
maybe not
i don't want to look here
it hurts

but the people i love
and care about
they're here too

fuck it
arggjhgdgfdhfjb

i dont want to leave them
i'm going to leave them

i think i'll come back
i have to

omw2maui? update dec 8

things aren't looking so bright.

…

looks like i won't find out if i get financial aid until AFTER the semester starts - if i get it at all.

fucked up both my music finals… precalc exam too.
still got the final for precalc next week monday, and my hwst exam and essay are due by next friday.
probably getting a D in math, so acing the final would probably bring me up to a C.

same with hwst, except acing the final might give me a D. i need to do extra credit, if she still accepts it.

probably getting a C or D in my music classes.

i need a 2.0 to keep my financial aid… or i have to pay back $2700… maybe more.
i don't want to do that. i really don't want it to come to that.


i really want this to work.

remind me to mention the van next time.